I've never wanted to be a church hopper. I'm a preacher's kid, and I remember my dad going on about people who attended this or that church for a year or two, then hopped to another and got involved for a few months, then moved on to another. All I've wanted since we moved to Laramie was to find one church, get involved, and stick with it.

This plan seemed very feasible last fall. We'd tried two of the main line churches here in town and found that they didn't seem to quite meet the criteria we were searching for when someone suggested the "E" church. A largish body (but not gigantic, around 150), but with an untraditional take on the traditional. We visited once (found out the church website was wrong and that adult discipleship studies start at 9, not 9:30), then again. It was different from what we were used to, but over all seemed okay.

So by the first of this year I had been through the process of becoming qualified to serve in the children's program (application, interview, background check, CPR certification...might as well apply with the FBI, too) and we were attending a small group. We hit a family night or two, and things seemed great.

Until our family ran into a bump in the road of life, and we didn't feel like there was really anyone to connect with about this particular issue, especially for Smiddy, who felt the bump the most. And then the floor fell out from under the children's program, and we ended up with a seven year old who cried after church because there was nothing for him during the entire service. We talked to a few members, tried to decide if this was something that would change with time or was just "they way things are" and generally agonized for weeks.

We're now officially church shopping again, and I hope this time we're doing it smarter. We're taking our time, we're asking questions, and we're not jumping into anything. And this has made me think: what is it that is necessary for our family to find in a church?

You know how when you hit the grocery store, you have a list of Things You Must Have Before You Can Create Another Meal: eggs, milk, bread, lettuce, whatver. And then, if the budget allows, there are things that would be nice to have but you can live without: tomatoes for the salad, chocolate syrup for the milk, chips. Well, I'm in that place with church. What is on the Must-Have list, and what things are just chocolate syrup?

The big thing on my Must Have Church Shopping List is good Bible-based teaching. Yes, I'm sure social justice and parenting tips are relevant to my life, but the Scriptures are so much more so. I want to work my way though a book of the Bible and read the words of Christ and apply them, not find a couple of passages that fit in with the topical study on what it means to "Be the Body" of Christ. Because you know what? Being the body of Christ is in there, and if we're in the Word, we'll get to it.

Another thing on my Must Have list is good children's programming. Yes, I realize I am responsible to see that Chaos and Mayhem and Frenzy grow up knowing how to live the Christian life (and with a real relationship with Christ), and that time on Sunday is part of this. And we need to be challenged throughout the week, Smiddy and I. Not just a small group that meets sometimes (and seems to get smaller each week), but a core group of people who will hold us accountable.

So what's on my Chocolate Syrup list? Good music. The opportunity to participate in leading worship. A men's group for Smiddy. People who notice when we're gone and check in to see if everything is okay. Friends for the kids, and maybe even a Grandpa or Grandma to adopt. Service opportunities.

I don't know where most of you stand, church-wise, but I'm curious. How long have you been doing what you're doing? How did you come to be where you are? And what's on your Eggs & Milk list for church? How about your Chocolate Syrup list?

[The Beserker Beat, evening edition
or, Why I Didn't Get the House Vaccuumed Yesterday]

Crime scene investigators were found in the Berserker kitchen late yesterday morning, examining a leg found behind the trash can.  "We have no body at this time," commented CSI Chaos.  "We can't even be sure there was a crime.  All we have is a two-inch plastic leg with some stuffing sticking out." 

Local resident Mayhem commented, "There's all sorts of gross stuff back there!"  Another local resident, Thora, who also happens to be the main CSI, promised to clean behind the trash can immediately. 

The autopsy revealed that the limb appeared to have been ripped with great force from the body, but that very litle trauma was sustained by the leg. 

Witnesses C and D, who were being babysat in the Berserker home at the time, placed Frenzy near the scene of the crime, but couldn't positively identify her.  "It was dat girl!" claimed four-year-old C, while pointing in the general direction of Frenzy's room.  Neither witness could verify that Frenzy had committed the crime, just that she had been near the trash can shortly before the limb was discovered.  "If we could just find the body, we could get some answers on this case," exclaimed an exasperated CSI Thora.

---

Late evening edition:  update

A body with a missing leg was discovered under the baker's rack in the Berserker living home early yesterday evening.  It appeared to match the leg found earlier in the day.  Witnesses reported that the victim was a homeless transient; he originally came with a book-style tree house, but it was destroyed some years back.  The doll then found lodging in the toybox and sometime lived under beds, until the Berserker family moved and he was left in a box for months.  Most recently he was reported to have lived under the stairs in Frenzy's dollhouse.  Witnesses also reported that the leg had been severed for "a really long time" and they thought it had been thrown away "a really long time ago."

CSI Thora discreetly disposed of both leg and body after bedtime.

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I have a theory on relationships, specifically marriage relationships.  I have two theories, actually, but I'm not completely sure I'll get both covered in this post so I'm only promising one.  Better to set your expectations low and be pleasantly surprised than to set them high and have them dashed, right?

So this is the theory.  There are two types of people in relationships, two ways of looking at the relationship.  For some of us the relationship is like a walk or a hike (or an arduous walk?) through the forest.  Sure, there's an endpoint in mind, but it's the journey that makes it worth the while.  Sometimes you get off the path a little bit, but you find your way back and you realize you discovered something amazing during your little side trip.  It's all about the experience, the time spent together.  And should you happen to make it to the destination, you turn around together and head back the way you came, or maybe not so much, eager to do it all again soon.

For others, relationships are like a trip to the moon.  Any little deviation from the flight plan spells eminent danger for the entire mission, and the whole thing is fraught with peril.  (Maybe it's just that I liked typing in the phrase "fraught with peril.")  The endpoint is the goal, and once you get there, the only thing to do is plant your little flag and come back.  You've made it, but now what?

So guess which way I look at relationships, and which way Smiddy sees them.  Oh, but it's lovely.

And since I do have time, here's my other analogy:  Life is a road.  It's not usually a well-maintained road; instead it has pits and funny little bumps and big cracks.  If you've got a good set of shocks, then you can sort of coast over the smallest of these bumps without really feeling anything; however, lose the shocks, and everything feels like imminent disaster.  So the question is, how does one go about getting themselves a set of shocks for the road of life?  Is it possible?